Bacon is such a downer

Ferrer Kid Pyramid

It's Tuesday and I'm cooking bacon for dinner while J and Z are watching a movie and L is napping. You would think my mind would wander off to random things like those shoes that have been sitting in my e-cart for two weeks, or the Fitbit that I've been waiting for to launch - but no. My mind starts wandering towards saying goodbye to our kids. How morbid am I?

Ok ok let's backtrack a bit... making dinner and the intoxicating smell of bacon made me start thinking of all our family breakfasts. The way we sit around our table talking about what we're going to do that day or what we've done that past week. And I think, I hope our kids remember that. The jokes we told, the laughter we shared, and the memories we made. I hope that their kids get to hear about it as they sit together for their family meals. And then I think, Dear God, when you decide to take me home please don't take me until I can say a proper goodbye to my kids. Let me have a moment when I can tell them just how much they meant to me. How happy I am that I was chosen to be their Mama. How proud I am of who they are and who they are growing up to be. How my life was incredibly blessed that I got to spend my days seeing them grow and be a blessing to me and to everyone around them.

But since I don't get to pick the number of my days or the chances I may miss to tell them I'm going to do it here and someday I hope they'll get to read it and reflect on it, and then read it again to remember me, the me now - not the sick me, not the dying me, not the gone forever (but, hopefully never forgotten) me.

A fork in the road

Psalm 90:12, "Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom."

It has been 10482 days since I was born.

10336 days since L was born.

2355 days since O was born.

980 days since J was born.

260 days since Z was born.

I'm turning 29 this year. I have been married for 4 years. I have 2 children.  

Why am I throwing all these numbers around? Because I feel like I'm at a standstill. What have I done with the ten thousand four hundred eighty two days of existence that God has given me? What have I accomplished?

I have a list - 30 before 30. You've probably seen this type of list circulating around. My bucket list doesn't include much. I'm not looking to walk on the moon or anything like that. I'm simply aiming to enjoy every moment that I have with the people I care about most. As a stay at home mom my days are filled with playing and cuddling with my kids - and I enjoy that, in fact I love that! But there is a part of me that wonders - is this what I'm called to do? Is there something more that I should be doing? It's a double edged sword. There are those that would call me lucky to be able to spend all day with my kids, take care of them, play with them, etc. and not have to "work." Then there are those who ask "Is that all you do? Don't you get bored? Wouldn't you rather be working?"

As a Christian I believe that God gives us a calling - to be someone, to do something. Our utmost calling is to be men and women who love Him and follow Him. Ever since I was a little girl I've always had a heart for teaching. I believe that this is how I'm going to make my "mark" in the world. I get discouraged when I think about not being able to finish school and get certified to teach. And then I realize that even though I'm not certified by the state it doesn't mean I'm not teaching. I don't have to step into a classroom to do that. In fact, I teach all day - there are two pairs of eyes that are always watching what I do and two pairs of ears that are always listening to what I'm saying. 

Our plans may not always play out the way we thought it would, but in all things God will work things out for the good of those He loves! With everything that has happened in my life God has led me here and I am doing what He's called me to do. Not in the way that I originally wanted but certainly in the way that is needed! And I'm more than happy with that.

Inspiration afoot.

I was inspired by a blog this morning. Inspired to start over. To make time to write. To make time to sit and ponder. To make time for reflection. To make time. This is my attempt to make time for me. To write, reflect, and gather myself in the midst of this chaos called life.

I know not yet where this blog is going. I don't know how often I'll be writing. I can't promise it'll be inspiring. Whatever ends up on here I promise to be honest. I promise to be genuine. And I promise to be me.

I hope for those of you reading that you enjoy it and if you are urged by one of my posts to comment please do so without disgresion. I invite you to be honest and genuine.

Adventures of a SAHM

So we finally made the leap.

As of yesterday, I have become a stay at home mom.  I'm excited, of course, because I will be the first to see and experience all the things that James will be doing and learning, and fearful at the same time because I will be the one he's learning from and imitating.

I have dreamed - longed to be a stay at home mom since we had J.  We have been toying with the idea for a couple of months and we finally made the decision to do it because we all needed a change.  Work was just getting too stressful and tedious for me.  Daycare was working well for J, but not for Daddy.  So we crunched our numbers and found that our expenses for my gas, insurance, and J's daycare amounted to just a little bit under my monthly salary anyway.  Hubby and I both agreed that the sacrifice is worth it.  We'll of course be skimping and budgeting more to make ends meet, but in the end it's what is going to work for us.  So now hubby can sleep in a little bit and get home earlier since he doesn't have to drop and pick-up J.  J can sleep in too since we no longer have to get out of the house by 7am, and no more bringing home sickness from daycare.

Call me crazy, but J has already learned so much from the time that I've been home.  There is endless possibilities of learning when you learn on a one on one basis.  Granted there is great learning potential in a group setting also but early childhood development has a big part in adulthood.  So hubby and I want him to learn from us instead of from others.

In the upcoming months we're going to have a lot of things we're going to be trying, doing, and learning.  I look forward to sharing our every adventure with you.

First off, grocery shopping with a toddler.
This will be the first time I'll be in the grocery store with J - by myself.  I usually have that time to myself since I go while the boys stay home and bond.  I'm usually in and out within 45 minutes since I plan my trip according to our needs vs. weekly ads + coupons, aisle by aisle, of course.  I'll need to be even more anal about it with a toddler that can't sit in a cart for too long.  I'm giving myself 15 minutes for our first trip.  Is that too high of an expectation for our first endeavor?  I fear I will be that mom that ends up with a cart full of candy and miscellaneous things because I threw them in the cart to appease a toddler tamper tantrum.

Wish me luck.

Who's your Daddy?

Hello Blog, it's me your Daddy...

So I'm temporarily back from hiatus-  I have time to write this morning because it's not so busy.  It's Columbus Day yet I'm still here at work.  What's been the haps since I last wrote... oh say about a month ago!?!?!  Well let's break it down in a handy dandy list, shall we?

• On the 19th, James went to his first White Sox tailgate!!!  His eyes were busy the entire time soaking everything in.  He had some fries, nachos, and even some cotton candy.  Even though I'm not a Sox fan I'm forced to go because it's Hubby's family tradition... and lo and behold- James is donning a Sox T -- BOOO!  James you break Mommy's heart.  He's got a Cubs outfit too but it was too big at the time, otherwise I would have totally made him wear that lol.

• On the 26th, we went apple picking for the first time with James.  James thoroughly enjoyed it.  He was even munching on an apple at the orchard.  I love doing things with our little family.  It reminds me of my childhood when we used to go apple picking yearly.
• On the 2nd, James attended his first wedding... but he didn't make it to the reception.  He took a big dumpie dumpie during the ceremony and exploded on his nice clothes.  Good thing Grandpa's house was nearby, we had to change him and ended up just spending time with his Ninong there.

• This past weekend was stay-in weekend.  It was nice to just be home for once.  We're always so busy on weekends that we never have time to rest...  We were in for the weekend except for a short trip to Darien and to the grocery store.

James has been surprising us with so many things!  He is so vocal nowadays and so very active!  He is crawling around everywhere in the house now.  Learning to climb over obstacles.  And also cruising on the furniture - he's even gotten to like pushing his walker around and walking with it like that.  He is saying more words and expressing himself a lot more.  He can wake 'bye bye,' make jokes, laugh, and even show dislike.  The other day Grannie was asking him "where's your daddy?"  and he cracks up looks right at me and points!!!  Yea that's right - I'm Daddy!  I'll take it for now... any acknowledgement is good I guess.  =(

So I guess that concludes our post... oh wait, what about me you ask?  What have I been up to?

Well, I've been busy running after the little guy as you know.  Not only that, I'm busy honing my cooking skills.  Now that James is eating real food and transitioning from baby food I find myself cooking a lot more - which is good but tiring.  I make Sunday my cooking day.  I get to cook for the week and just Tupperware everything!  And who's bright idea was this?  Hubby's.  While he and James watch football Mommy's -- errr Daddy's in the kitchen cooking her heart away.  Time to time James finds his way in and stays with me exploring my cabinets and cookware all the while Oreo is waiting at my feet for scraps.  Nap times then are my craft times.  While James snoozes I'm crafting like a madwoman making decorations and crafts for James' 1st Birthday Party.  I've already made his birthday banner, his invites are ready to be sent out, I've made most of his party hats... I'm learning to make the pom poms that go on top of the hats, and I'm also starting to make the decorations.  I'm hoping I'll be done before Thanksgiving - his party is the 1st weekend of Decemeber.

So my life is as good as can be.  I'm a happy little housewife; crafting and cooking away like a SAHM on the weekends and during the week I work my arse off to be able to pay the bills... a C'est la vie the double life of this mighty wife!  In the coming weekends we plan on going Pumpkin Picking - so excited to take James.  I love that we have a baby... he is such a good excuse to be able to do all the things I've always wanted to but didn't have to growing up.  We are also planning for a Thanksgiving trip to California... looking forward to that!!

Until next time friends.

Boundaries

I despise, with a passion, Filipinos.

Yes, I'm Filipino.

In fact, I was born and raised in the Philippines until we emigrated here when I was 7yrs old.  

Both my parents were Filipino, with an exception of some Chinese and Spanish decent.

I married a Filipino.

I have a son, 100% Filipino.

So how could I hate Filipinos so much?  Because Filipinos are arrogant sons of bitches that believe that their opinion is God's own truth, they have no social graces to keep to themselves, they overstep their boundaries and talk shit about anything that moves, they believe that they are superior to others and just completely embarrass themselves in the process.  I'm embarrassed for them-- for me.

End rant.

Nature vs. Nurture

I've been pondering, lately, the nature of people.  Is our bad behavior nurtured by nature?  Or is it simply our nature to nurture bad behavior?  There are very few of us who still open the door for others - especially for Moms pushing a stroller.  I mean what kind of person stands and watches a Mom struggle to open a door while trying to push the stroller at the same time?  Oh that's right, the kind of person that goes through the door you just opened for yourself and the baby you're pushing before you can even go through.  I digress.  I believe that there are so many persons out there that continue to behave badly towards others because people like me allow them to do it.  And why do I allow it?  1, I'm not the type of person that likes to rock the boat.  2, I care too much about what other people think/feel about me and so I shut my mouth hoping that they'll realize/learn that their behavior is not something that is warranted.

I would have to say that I'm a very good natured person- I'm usually the volunteer for anything that needs to be done.  I am willing to bend over backwards for a person I care about... that is until you screw me over.  I don't believe in forgiving and forgetting.  Why?  Because in the past, I've usually been the person forgiving and the other person is usually the one doing the forgetting... and so very often we end up at the same crossroads again.  So I have turned a new leaf.  I've stopped living with the thought that if I do good to this person I expect/hope that they will do the same for me.  Now my philosophy is -- everyone out for themselves.  The problem?  I can't turn my expectations off.  That has been my problem my whole life.  And that is why I have been disappointed my whole entire life -- with the exception of a handful of people, Hubby, Baby, Mama, Papa, Brother.  

And so where does this leave me?  Do I let nature take its course?  Let 'karma' or some higher source teach these persons the lesson they badly need to learn.  Or do I nurture my own bad behavior and do unto others as they have done to me?  That is the golden rule isn't it?

Mama's been M.I.A.

Yes I know, I start blogging and then I stop... it's been awhile since I've posted.  And that's because it's been busy... since my last post at the end of August we've endured an inner ear infection, upgraded to a big boy car seat because James was busting out of his infant carrier [even though the weight capacity is 30lbs and he's only 17lbs], and James said his first word -- Papa [how disappointing for me since hubby always complains that James favors me over him].

Football season is among us and aren't we all just jumping for joy!  I know hubby is very excited to be sharing this season with James... how excited you say?!?!?!

This much!!!

I have taken up card making- as I've mentioned before.  I believe I'm getting better and better at every card, but I struggle to make it my own craft.  I have the big book of Martha Stewart Crafts and that woman just annoys me-- she's that good!!  I'm looking forward to making our Christmas cards this year, all 30 of them!  wish me luck and patience.

I have also taken reading back up.  I know, it's a big shame that I have not picked up a book [besides pregnancy/parenting books]- in years!  The first book I chose?  The Time Traveler's Wife.  Being a new mom I don't have much time to watch TV much less go out to see a movie- the commercials for the movie were so interesting to me that I decided to pick up the book.  First day of reading it [yesterday] I read 200 pages, I couldn't put it down.  Today I only got through 50, but it makes me realize how much I miss just sitting down and reading.  It gives me time to collect myself.  To use my imagination again.  To be still.  And to escape into someone else's world.  Even if only for a while.  I can't wait to tell you all about it once I finish.  I hope I get to see the movie someday, probably when it comes out on DVD and I'm able to watch it at home.  Meanwhile back to my dog eared page I go...

Oh Frank.

You totally got me today when I read ...

And now that you
are making your own days, so to speak,
even if no one reads but me
you won’t be depressed.

-Frank O’Hara

Mama said there'd be days like this...

I love love love lazy weekends with the family - probably because we don't have much of any lazy time these days.  We had a family get together with hubs' family in Oswego.  The kids played around while the men did their annual Fantasy Football Draft.  Then Sunday we stayed in and had a leisurely morning together and took an impromptu trip to Lincoln Park Zoo in the afternoon.  

Oh the zoo, James is at an age where he can look for things and spot "interesting" things.  The latest hit was the monkey/ape house.  He was so ecstatic when 'Rafiki' came right up to the glass to get his grub... his eyes got even bigger [if that's even possible] and he started jumping in my arms!  It must be so exciting to experience new things.  I don't remember what that's like- isn't that horrible?  I don't know how it is to see new things, have I gotten that old?  Or have I just lost interest in the world?

I'd love to be young again, to start over, to experience the world anew.

September events - experience the world anew =]

A moment of honesty

This was my very first peek at James, at 6wks.  We found out we were expecting at 3 weeks, yes even before I had missed my period I knew.  And even before I took a test I knew.  I always knew I wanted to be mom.  I always knew I wanted someone to adore and spoil and love for the rest of my existence.  And even if it kills me, I will do exactly that - I promise to adore my son, to give him my all, and love him no matter what he does.  

Is it so bad that I want so desperately to be pregnant again?  Every late period my heart flutters.  And every time my friend - or arch enemy - pays me a visit I fall back into my hole.  I have been walking around with a cloud above my head for the past 2.5 weeks.  Because I keep thinking about this ultrasound that was taken of James at 6wks.  At 6wks he was a little apple seed residing inside me.  At 6wks there was already signs of life, it was undeniable that there was impending happiness.  But this time was different.  After numerous false alarms, hundreds of dollars spent on pregnancy tests, and nights  of praying and days of hoping to see another positive magically appear on that stick... I've been disappointed over and over.  I've told myself that it's just not the right time.  Our time will come again.  And I didn't have much time to digest the reality of being pregnant again anyway because just as soon as I start thinking about it my visitor would pay me a visit.

Dear friend, why oh why do you take delight in torturing me in this way?  This time around it took you a whole cycle to show up.  And that's why your visit came to me in devastation.  Because I had gotten used to the idea.  I got my hopes up.  I got excited.  I got attached.  And then you came and and tore my dreams apart.  The day you came I was at work, by myself no less.  I had nowhere to go and nobody to be with in my moment of grief.  My little apple seed was gone and I wasn't given notice or choice of the matter.

We were 7.5wks along.  

And now I'm empty.  Exhausted.  Broken.

is it so wrong to be so mournful?  Am I over thinking, over feeling the situation?  And maybe it wasn't the right time.  And yes, our time will probably come again.  In the meantime this ultrasound reminds me of all I've gained when James came along, and is now also a haunting reminder of what I've just lost.


Commence uncontrollable waterworks.

These are a few of my favorite things...

We recently 'celebrated' our one year anniversary in our townhome... and to celebrate we finally put up pictures and started to paint.  Let me show you what makes our home a home.

Everyday holds a possibility of a Miracle.  Our new storage 'system.'  How do you camouflage baby toys to fit into an adult livingroom?  Boxes to contain the mess.  A favorite of mine because it's a cozy little wall in our house that displays my favorite picture- my fairytale wedding day, when my Prince Charming came to sweep me off my feet.  

Our entertainment center - we've downgraded to a TV bench from a wall too wall shelved unit.  Definitely safer for James if he decides to climb it.  My long awaited picture rail has been installed, just in time for our first family photo montage.  What a difference some prints and flowers make.

A close up of the flower, what do you call this?

Lastly, my desk... a little corner of my world.  I've revisited crafting and I'm back in like with it.  It's been a source of therapeutic healing working on James' party stuff [I'll post those shortly].  Under my work light I'm free to express, to be creative, to be inspired... to zone out.  Maybe I will someday be able to be a SAHM - support the arts, buy handmade =)

And alas, another week has come to its end... Ferrer Family Fun Weekend here I come.  Good night.

Mmmmm

Some eye candy for you on this rainy Thursday afternoon.  I went to visit the hospital's Farmer's Market today and came out with this bad boy.  Doesn't this just look disgustingly sweet?  Apple Caramel Peanut Pie... so fitting for Fall don't you think?  I know, I just jinxed the rest of the summer, but let's face it- Fall is the best season of all.  The leaves get gorgeous, the boots and sweaters come out and everyone just looks fashionably fabulous!

*sigh* looking forward...

Rainy days and Mondays...

They always get me down!

Feeling a bit blah today- and by a bit I mean a lot!  Been thinking about #2 again.  What he/she could have looked like.  I wonder if he/she would have had my unruly hair.  Or maybe hubby's perfect smile.  Isn't it funny to feel such a loss for something you never had?  Perhaps it's a parental instinct what I'm feeling.  It's just like what my mom always told my brother... Kahit pusa pag nawawala hinahanap din ng amo.  And maybe it's also because I feel alone.  Like I'm the only one acknowledging the loss.  But my left brain is telling me that it's normal to mourn.  It's fine to feel sad.  It's ok to take time.

Time.

X Marks the spot

How shall we begin?

I suppose with an introduction.

I am a big time blogger.  In fact I've been all over the WWW since grade school - I think it all started with AsianAvenue, you what I'm talking about - then it moved to Xanga, Friendster, MySpace, and now Facebook.  Yes, I do like to have an account on everything.  I've also had a lifelong search for a hobby.  I've tried it all - crafting, running, blogging, writing, photography, snowboarding, knitting, biking, running - but no such luck.  I'm still left in the dust with closets and drawers full of things I've bought to feed the hunger.

The one thing I've always been good at is writing.  No matter what the subject I can write pages and pages of it.  So here I am again.

I plan on staying - for a little while at least - to share and learn all that life has to offer.  And in the midst of it, I hope to entertain you, even if for a little bit, with my rants, musings, etc.