A moment of honesty

This was my very first peek at James, at 6wks.  We found out we were expecting at 3 weeks, yes even before I had missed my period I knew.  And even before I took a test I knew.  I always knew I wanted to be mom.  I always knew I wanted someone to adore and spoil and love for the rest of my existence.  And even if it kills me, I will do exactly that - I promise to adore my son, to give him my all, and love him no matter what he does.  

Is it so bad that I want so desperately to be pregnant again?  Every late period my heart flutters.  And every time my friend - or arch enemy - pays me a visit I fall back into my hole.  I have been walking around with a cloud above my head for the past 2.5 weeks.  Because I keep thinking about this ultrasound that was taken of James at 6wks.  At 6wks he was a little apple seed residing inside me.  At 6wks there was already signs of life, it was undeniable that there was impending happiness.  But this time was different.  After numerous false alarms, hundreds of dollars spent on pregnancy tests, and nights  of praying and days of hoping to see another positive magically appear on that stick... I've been disappointed over and over.  I've told myself that it's just not the right time.  Our time will come again.  And I didn't have much time to digest the reality of being pregnant again anyway because just as soon as I start thinking about it my visitor would pay me a visit.

Dear friend, why oh why do you take delight in torturing me in this way?  This time around it took you a whole cycle to show up.  And that's why your visit came to me in devastation.  Because I had gotten used to the idea.  I got my hopes up.  I got excited.  I got attached.  And then you came and and tore my dreams apart.  The day you came I was at work, by myself no less.  I had nowhere to go and nobody to be with in my moment of grief.  My little apple seed was gone and I wasn't given notice or choice of the matter.

We were 7.5wks along.  

And now I'm empty.  Exhausted.  Broken.

is it so wrong to be so mournful?  Am I over thinking, over feeling the situation?  And maybe it wasn't the right time.  And yes, our time will probably come again.  In the meantime this ultrasound reminds me of all I've gained when James came along, and is now also a haunting reminder of what I've just lost.


Commence uncontrollable waterworks.