Oh Frank.

You totally got me today when I read ...

And now that you
are making your own days, so to speak,
even if no one reads but me
you won’t be depressed.

-Frank O’Hara

Mama said there'd be days like this...

I love love love lazy weekends with the family - probably because we don't have much of any lazy time these days.  We had a family get together with hubs' family in Oswego.  The kids played around while the men did their annual Fantasy Football Draft.  Then Sunday we stayed in and had a leisurely morning together and took an impromptu trip to Lincoln Park Zoo in the afternoon.  

Oh the zoo, James is at an age where he can look for things and spot "interesting" things.  The latest hit was the monkey/ape house.  He was so ecstatic when 'Rafiki' came right up to the glass to get his grub... his eyes got even bigger [if that's even possible] and he started jumping in my arms!  It must be so exciting to experience new things.  I don't remember what that's like- isn't that horrible?  I don't know how it is to see new things, have I gotten that old?  Or have I just lost interest in the world?

I'd love to be young again, to start over, to experience the world anew.

September events - experience the world anew =]

A moment of honesty

This was my very first peek at James, at 6wks.  We found out we were expecting at 3 weeks, yes even before I had missed my period I knew.  And even before I took a test I knew.  I always knew I wanted to be mom.  I always knew I wanted someone to adore and spoil and love for the rest of my existence.  And even if it kills me, I will do exactly that - I promise to adore my son, to give him my all, and love him no matter what he does.  

Is it so bad that I want so desperately to be pregnant again?  Every late period my heart flutters.  And every time my friend - or arch enemy - pays me a visit I fall back into my hole.  I have been walking around with a cloud above my head for the past 2.5 weeks.  Because I keep thinking about this ultrasound that was taken of James at 6wks.  At 6wks he was a little apple seed residing inside me.  At 6wks there was already signs of life, it was undeniable that there was impending happiness.  But this time was different.  After numerous false alarms, hundreds of dollars spent on pregnancy tests, and nights  of praying and days of hoping to see another positive magically appear on that stick... I've been disappointed over and over.  I've told myself that it's just not the right time.  Our time will come again.  And I didn't have much time to digest the reality of being pregnant again anyway because just as soon as I start thinking about it my visitor would pay me a visit.

Dear friend, why oh why do you take delight in torturing me in this way?  This time around it took you a whole cycle to show up.  And that's why your visit came to me in devastation.  Because I had gotten used to the idea.  I got my hopes up.  I got excited.  I got attached.  And then you came and and tore my dreams apart.  The day you came I was at work, by myself no less.  I had nowhere to go and nobody to be with in my moment of grief.  My little apple seed was gone and I wasn't given notice or choice of the matter.

We were 7.5wks along.  

And now I'm empty.  Exhausted.  Broken.

is it so wrong to be so mournful?  Am I over thinking, over feeling the situation?  And maybe it wasn't the right time.  And yes, our time will probably come again.  In the meantime this ultrasound reminds me of all I've gained when James came along, and is now also a haunting reminder of what I've just lost.


Commence uncontrollable waterworks.

These are a few of my favorite things...

We recently 'celebrated' our one year anniversary in our townhome... and to celebrate we finally put up pictures and started to paint.  Let me show you what makes our home a home.

Everyday holds a possibility of a Miracle.  Our new storage 'system.'  How do you camouflage baby toys to fit into an adult livingroom?  Boxes to contain the mess.  A favorite of mine because it's a cozy little wall in our house that displays my favorite picture- my fairytale wedding day, when my Prince Charming came to sweep me off my feet.  

Our entertainment center - we've downgraded to a TV bench from a wall too wall shelved unit.  Definitely safer for James if he decides to climb it.  My long awaited picture rail has been installed, just in time for our first family photo montage.  What a difference some prints and flowers make.

A close up of the flower, what do you call this?

Lastly, my desk... a little corner of my world.  I've revisited crafting and I'm back in like with it.  It's been a source of therapeutic healing working on James' party stuff [I'll post those shortly].  Under my work light I'm free to express, to be creative, to be inspired... to zone out.  Maybe I will someday be able to be a SAHM - support the arts, buy handmade =)

And alas, another week has come to its end... Ferrer Family Fun Weekend here I come.  Good night.

Mmmmm

Some eye candy for you on this rainy Thursday afternoon.  I went to visit the hospital's Farmer's Market today and came out with this bad boy.  Doesn't this just look disgustingly sweet?  Apple Caramel Peanut Pie... so fitting for Fall don't you think?  I know, I just jinxed the rest of the summer, but let's face it- Fall is the best season of all.  The leaves get gorgeous, the boots and sweaters come out and everyone just looks fashionably fabulous!

*sigh* looking forward...

Rainy days and Mondays...

They always get me down!

Feeling a bit blah today- and by a bit I mean a lot!  Been thinking about #2 again.  What he/she could have looked like.  I wonder if he/she would have had my unruly hair.  Or maybe hubby's perfect smile.  Isn't it funny to feel such a loss for something you never had?  Perhaps it's a parental instinct what I'm feeling.  It's just like what my mom always told my brother... Kahit pusa pag nawawala hinahanap din ng amo.  And maybe it's also because I feel alone.  Like I'm the only one acknowledging the loss.  But my left brain is telling me that it's normal to mourn.  It's fine to feel sad.  It's ok to take time.

Time.

X Marks the spot

How shall we begin?

I suppose with an introduction.

I am a big time blogger.  In fact I've been all over the WWW since grade school - I think it all started with AsianAvenue, you what I'm talking about - then it moved to Xanga, Friendster, MySpace, and now Facebook.  Yes, I do like to have an account on everything.  I've also had a lifelong search for a hobby.  I've tried it all - crafting, running, blogging, writing, photography, snowboarding, knitting, biking, running - but no such luck.  I'm still left in the dust with closets and drawers full of things I've bought to feed the hunger.

The one thing I've always been good at is writing.  No matter what the subject I can write pages and pages of it.  So here I am again.

I plan on staying - for a little while at least - to share and learn all that life has to offer.  And in the midst of it, I hope to entertain you, even if for a little bit, with my rants, musings, etc.