Who's your Daddy?

Hello Blog, it's me your Daddy...

So I'm temporarily back from hiatus-  I have time to write this morning because it's not so busy.  It's Columbus Day yet I'm still here at work.  What's been the haps since I last wrote... oh say about a month ago!?!?!  Well let's break it down in a handy dandy list, shall we?

• On the 19th, James went to his first White Sox tailgate!!!  His eyes were busy the entire time soaking everything in.  He had some fries, nachos, and even some cotton candy.  Even though I'm not a Sox fan I'm forced to go because it's Hubby's family tradition... and lo and behold- James is donning a Sox T -- BOOO!  James you break Mommy's heart.  He's got a Cubs outfit too but it was too big at the time, otherwise I would have totally made him wear that lol.

• On the 26th, we went apple picking for the first time with James.  James thoroughly enjoyed it.  He was even munching on an apple at the orchard.  I love doing things with our little family.  It reminds me of my childhood when we used to go apple picking yearly.
• On the 2nd, James attended his first wedding... but he didn't make it to the reception.  He took a big dumpie dumpie during the ceremony and exploded on his nice clothes.  Good thing Grandpa's house was nearby, we had to change him and ended up just spending time with his Ninong there.

• This past weekend was stay-in weekend.  It was nice to just be home for once.  We're always so busy on weekends that we never have time to rest...  We were in for the weekend except for a short trip to Darien and to the grocery store.

James has been surprising us with so many things!  He is so vocal nowadays and so very active!  He is crawling around everywhere in the house now.  Learning to climb over obstacles.  And also cruising on the furniture - he's even gotten to like pushing his walker around and walking with it like that.  He is saying more words and expressing himself a lot more.  He can wake 'bye bye,' make jokes, laugh, and even show dislike.  The other day Grannie was asking him "where's your daddy?"  and he cracks up looks right at me and points!!!  Yea that's right - I'm Daddy!  I'll take it for now... any acknowledgement is good I guess.  =(

So I guess that concludes our post... oh wait, what about me you ask?  What have I been up to?

Well, I've been busy running after the little guy as you know.  Not only that, I'm busy honing my cooking skills.  Now that James is eating real food and transitioning from baby food I find myself cooking a lot more - which is good but tiring.  I make Sunday my cooking day.  I get to cook for the week and just Tupperware everything!  And who's bright idea was this?  Hubby's.  While he and James watch football Mommy's -- errr Daddy's in the kitchen cooking her heart away.  Time to time James finds his way in and stays with me exploring my cabinets and cookware all the while Oreo is waiting at my feet for scraps.  Nap times then are my craft times.  While James snoozes I'm crafting like a madwoman making decorations and crafts for James' 1st Birthday Party.  I've already made his birthday banner, his invites are ready to be sent out, I've made most of his party hats... I'm learning to make the pom poms that go on top of the hats, and I'm also starting to make the decorations.  I'm hoping I'll be done before Thanksgiving - his party is the 1st weekend of Decemeber.

So my life is as good as can be.  I'm a happy little housewife; crafting and cooking away like a SAHM on the weekends and during the week I work my arse off to be able to pay the bills... a C'est la vie the double life of this mighty wife!  In the coming weekends we plan on going Pumpkin Picking - so excited to take James.  I love that we have a baby... he is such a good excuse to be able to do all the things I've always wanted to but didn't have to growing up.  We are also planning for a Thanksgiving trip to California... looking forward to that!!

Until next time friends.

Boundaries

I despise, with a passion, Filipinos.

Yes, I'm Filipino.

In fact, I was born and raised in the Philippines until we emigrated here when I was 7yrs old.  

Both my parents were Filipino, with an exception of some Chinese and Spanish decent.

I married a Filipino.

I have a son, 100% Filipino.

So how could I hate Filipinos so much?  Because Filipinos are arrogant sons of bitches that believe that their opinion is God's own truth, they have no social graces to keep to themselves, they overstep their boundaries and talk shit about anything that moves, they believe that they are superior to others and just completely embarrass themselves in the process.  I'm embarrassed for them-- for me.

End rant.

Nature vs. Nurture

I've been pondering, lately, the nature of people.  Is our bad behavior nurtured by nature?  Or is it simply our nature to nurture bad behavior?  There are very few of us who still open the door for others - especially for Moms pushing a stroller.  I mean what kind of person stands and watches a Mom struggle to open a door while trying to push the stroller at the same time?  Oh that's right, the kind of person that goes through the door you just opened for yourself and the baby you're pushing before you can even go through.  I digress.  I believe that there are so many persons out there that continue to behave badly towards others because people like me allow them to do it.  And why do I allow it?  1, I'm not the type of person that likes to rock the boat.  2, I care too much about what other people think/feel about me and so I shut my mouth hoping that they'll realize/learn that their behavior is not something that is warranted.

I would have to say that I'm a very good natured person- I'm usually the volunteer for anything that needs to be done.  I am willing to bend over backwards for a person I care about... that is until you screw me over.  I don't believe in forgiving and forgetting.  Why?  Because in the past, I've usually been the person forgiving and the other person is usually the one doing the forgetting... and so very often we end up at the same crossroads again.  So I have turned a new leaf.  I've stopped living with the thought that if I do good to this person I expect/hope that they will do the same for me.  Now my philosophy is -- everyone out for themselves.  The problem?  I can't turn my expectations off.  That has been my problem my whole life.  And that is why I have been disappointed my whole entire life -- with the exception of a handful of people, Hubby, Baby, Mama, Papa, Brother.  

And so where does this leave me?  Do I let nature take its course?  Let 'karma' or some higher source teach these persons the lesson they badly need to learn.  Or do I nurture my own bad behavior and do unto others as they have done to me?  That is the golden rule isn't it?

Mama's been M.I.A.

Yes I know, I start blogging and then I stop... it's been awhile since I've posted.  And that's because it's been busy... since my last post at the end of August we've endured an inner ear infection, upgraded to a big boy car seat because James was busting out of his infant carrier [even though the weight capacity is 30lbs and he's only 17lbs], and James said his first word -- Papa [how disappointing for me since hubby always complains that James favors me over him].

Football season is among us and aren't we all just jumping for joy!  I know hubby is very excited to be sharing this season with James... how excited you say?!?!?!

This much!!!

I have taken up card making- as I've mentioned before.  I believe I'm getting better and better at every card, but I struggle to make it my own craft.  I have the big book of Martha Stewart Crafts and that woman just annoys me-- she's that good!!  I'm looking forward to making our Christmas cards this year, all 30 of them!  wish me luck and patience.

I have also taken reading back up.  I know, it's a big shame that I have not picked up a book [besides pregnancy/parenting books]- in years!  The first book I chose?  The Time Traveler's Wife.  Being a new mom I don't have much time to watch TV much less go out to see a movie- the commercials for the movie were so interesting to me that I decided to pick up the book.  First day of reading it [yesterday] I read 200 pages, I couldn't put it down.  Today I only got through 50, but it makes me realize how much I miss just sitting down and reading.  It gives me time to collect myself.  To use my imagination again.  To be still.  And to escape into someone else's world.  Even if only for a while.  I can't wait to tell you all about it once I finish.  I hope I get to see the movie someday, probably when it comes out on DVD and I'm able to watch it at home.  Meanwhile back to my dog eared page I go...

Oh Frank.

You totally got me today when I read ...

And now that you
are making your own days, so to speak,
even if no one reads but me
you won’t be depressed.

-Frank O’Hara

Mama said there'd be days like this...

I love love love lazy weekends with the family - probably because we don't have much of any lazy time these days.  We had a family get together with hubs' family in Oswego.  The kids played around while the men did their annual Fantasy Football Draft.  Then Sunday we stayed in and had a leisurely morning together and took an impromptu trip to Lincoln Park Zoo in the afternoon.  

Oh the zoo, James is at an age where he can look for things and spot "interesting" things.  The latest hit was the monkey/ape house.  He was so ecstatic when 'Rafiki' came right up to the glass to get his grub... his eyes got even bigger [if that's even possible] and he started jumping in my arms!  It must be so exciting to experience new things.  I don't remember what that's like- isn't that horrible?  I don't know how it is to see new things, have I gotten that old?  Or have I just lost interest in the world?

I'd love to be young again, to start over, to experience the world anew.

September events - experience the world anew =]

A moment of honesty

This was my very first peek at James, at 6wks.  We found out we were expecting at 3 weeks, yes even before I had missed my period I knew.  And even before I took a test I knew.  I always knew I wanted to be mom.  I always knew I wanted someone to adore and spoil and love for the rest of my existence.  And even if it kills me, I will do exactly that - I promise to adore my son, to give him my all, and love him no matter what he does.  

Is it so bad that I want so desperately to be pregnant again?  Every late period my heart flutters.  And every time my friend - or arch enemy - pays me a visit I fall back into my hole.  I have been walking around with a cloud above my head for the past 2.5 weeks.  Because I keep thinking about this ultrasound that was taken of James at 6wks.  At 6wks he was a little apple seed residing inside me.  At 6wks there was already signs of life, it was undeniable that there was impending happiness.  But this time was different.  After numerous false alarms, hundreds of dollars spent on pregnancy tests, and nights  of praying and days of hoping to see another positive magically appear on that stick... I've been disappointed over and over.  I've told myself that it's just not the right time.  Our time will come again.  And I didn't have much time to digest the reality of being pregnant again anyway because just as soon as I start thinking about it my visitor would pay me a visit.

Dear friend, why oh why do you take delight in torturing me in this way?  This time around it took you a whole cycle to show up.  And that's why your visit came to me in devastation.  Because I had gotten used to the idea.  I got my hopes up.  I got excited.  I got attached.  And then you came and and tore my dreams apart.  The day you came I was at work, by myself no less.  I had nowhere to go and nobody to be with in my moment of grief.  My little apple seed was gone and I wasn't given notice or choice of the matter.

We were 7.5wks along.  

And now I'm empty.  Exhausted.  Broken.

is it so wrong to be so mournful?  Am I over thinking, over feeling the situation?  And maybe it wasn't the right time.  And yes, our time will probably come again.  In the meantime this ultrasound reminds me of all I've gained when James came along, and is now also a haunting reminder of what I've just lost.


Commence uncontrollable waterworks.

These are a few of my favorite things...

We recently 'celebrated' our one year anniversary in our townhome... and to celebrate we finally put up pictures and started to paint.  Let me show you what makes our home a home.

Everyday holds a possibility of a Miracle.  Our new storage 'system.'  How do you camouflage baby toys to fit into an adult livingroom?  Boxes to contain the mess.  A favorite of mine because it's a cozy little wall in our house that displays my favorite picture- my fairytale wedding day, when my Prince Charming came to sweep me off my feet.  

Our entertainment center - we've downgraded to a TV bench from a wall too wall shelved unit.  Definitely safer for James if he decides to climb it.  My long awaited picture rail has been installed, just in time for our first family photo montage.  What a difference some prints and flowers make.

A close up of the flower, what do you call this?

Lastly, my desk... a little corner of my world.  I've revisited crafting and I'm back in like with it.  It's been a source of therapeutic healing working on James' party stuff [I'll post those shortly].  Under my work light I'm free to express, to be creative, to be inspired... to zone out.  Maybe I will someday be able to be a SAHM - support the arts, buy handmade =)

And alas, another week has come to its end... Ferrer Family Fun Weekend here I come.  Good night.

Mmmmm

Some eye candy for you on this rainy Thursday afternoon.  I went to visit the hospital's Farmer's Market today and came out with this bad boy.  Doesn't this just look disgustingly sweet?  Apple Caramel Peanut Pie... so fitting for Fall don't you think?  I know, I just jinxed the rest of the summer, but let's face it- Fall is the best season of all.  The leaves get gorgeous, the boots and sweaters come out and everyone just looks fashionably fabulous!

*sigh* looking forward...

Rainy days and Mondays...

They always get me down!

Feeling a bit blah today- and by a bit I mean a lot!  Been thinking about #2 again.  What he/she could have looked like.  I wonder if he/she would have had my unruly hair.  Or maybe hubby's perfect smile.  Isn't it funny to feel such a loss for something you never had?  Perhaps it's a parental instinct what I'm feeling.  It's just like what my mom always told my brother... Kahit pusa pag nawawala hinahanap din ng amo.  And maybe it's also because I feel alone.  Like I'm the only one acknowledging the loss.  But my left brain is telling me that it's normal to mourn.  It's fine to feel sad.  It's ok to take time.

Time.

X Marks the spot

How shall we begin?

I suppose with an introduction.

I am a big time blogger.  In fact I've been all over the WWW since grade school - I think it all started with AsianAvenue, you what I'm talking about - then it moved to Xanga, Friendster, MySpace, and now Facebook.  Yes, I do like to have an account on everything.  I've also had a lifelong search for a hobby.  I've tried it all - crafting, running, blogging, writing, photography, snowboarding, knitting, biking, running - but no such luck.  I'm still left in the dust with closets and drawers full of things I've bought to feed the hunger.

The one thing I've always been good at is writing.  No matter what the subject I can write pages and pages of it.  So here I am again.

I plan on staying - for a little while at least - to share and learn all that life has to offer.  And in the midst of it, I hope to entertain you, even if for a little bit, with my rants, musings, etc.